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by Diane G. Sanford, Ph.D.
Many people cringe when they hear the word assertiveness because they associate it with being pushy or aggressive. In fact, when we assert ourselves in conversation, we speak in an open, honest, direct and non-defensive way. Many of us are unaccustomed to and threatened by assertiveness because we did not learn to communicate assertively when we were growing up and we don’t understand what it truly is. In my column last month, which you can read at www.javajournalonline.com, I wrote about the Art of Listening. Like the skills described in that article, the recommendations that follow are powerful tools for building healthy relationships.
1. Be assertive. Say what’s on your mind in a positive, direct way. Don’t be passive. Passivity includes beating around the bush, leaving the other person guessing what you mean, shutting down, not listening or withdrawing. Don’t be aggressive: yelling, blaming, cursing, belittling the other person, fighting to be right or becoming abusive. Communicate with the intention of expressing yourself and accurately hearing the receiver’s response.
2. State your thoughts and feelings openly, honestly and clearly. If you perceive that the other person is not understanding you, try again. Make your goal to help the receiver hear what you intend to say. Don’t take it personally if it’s a while before they hear what you’re saying. Remain calm, centered and non-defensive. Help them lower their guard so they can hear you fully. Do your best.
3. Be courteous and respectful. Speak and listen with your full attention. Turn off the TV and computer. Stop doing other things. Make eye contact. If you disagree with what is being said or the other person’s perception of what you’ve said, let them know openly and directly, but don’t attack them. We each see the world through our own filters, so we frequently have different impressions. Give and expect respect.
4. Exercise timing. Discuss important matters at a time that is good for all involved. Talking about major issues late at night when your partner’s tired or first thing in the morning before they’re fully awake is not recommended. Arguments early or late in the day are especially difficult. Make certain that you each have the attention and energy for a constructive conversation. Otherwise, wait.
5. Make clear requests. If there’s something you want, speak up. Don’t expect others to read your mind. Many people think it’s a sign of true love that their partner knows what they need without having to ask. This is a myth. In fact, relationship problems often occur because we don’t take responsibility for expressing our needs. Real intimacy is achieved when we say what’s on our minds and we listen with care and non-judgment.
6. Speak from your heart. Make your intention to have a “confiding” conversation, even if you feel angry or hurt. Use “I” statements like “I felt angry when I didn’t think you were listening to me.” Don’t blame or criticize the other person or their behavior. Express your thoughts and feelings clearly, openly and honestly. This sets the tone for others to do the same. And even if they don’t, keep searching your heart and sharing with them assertively.
7. Provide clarification. If the person to whom you are speaking doesn’t understand what you’re saying, make every effort to explain more clearly. However, because of their own mental and emotional filters, they may not be able to understand what you are saying. Just because you speak clearly doesn’t mean that’s how it will be heard. Be certain you are communicating honestly and non-defensively, and if so, you could suggest resuming the conversation at another time.
8. Create a new opportunity. As long as we’re alive, we can have a follow-up or “recovery conversation” when we’re not satisfied with a prior outcome. What is most important is that this is agreed upon by all. Follow the guideline that each participant is responsible for approaching this subsequent conversation in an open-minded, assertive way with the goal of listening and being heard. When this occurs, everyone wins.
9. Ending the conversation: If the other person attacks or becomes abusive, it’s time to stop. You can offer to have a “recovery conversation” later. Either way, the choice is yours. Being assertive does not mean tolerating abusive behavior. It does mean standing up for your integrity and not allowing anyone to violate it.
10. Be clear about your intentions. To be assertive communicators, we must be honest with ourselves and recognize the difference between pursuing greater connection and understanding, and motives that are self-serving, like proving we’re right. If we are not open, honest and non-defensive, we won’t succeed. When we seek open and honest communication, there are limitless possibilities for building healthy, nourishing and enduring relationships.
Assertive communication is speaking from the heart in an open, direct and non-defensive way which allows us to have “confiding” conversations and create relationship intimacy. It requires us to be honest, self-aware and brave enough to share our true thoughts and feelings. It also requires that we allow others to do the same. It is a path to deeper connections with others and with ourselves. This is not always easy, but it is immeasurably worthwhile. As Saint Exupery wrote in The Little Prince, “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye.”
Diane G. Sanford, Ph.D., is president of Women’s Healthcare Partnership in Creve Coeur, Missouri. She is the author of Postpartum Survival Guide and Midlife and Menopause: A Celebration of Women’s Health. She can be contacted at (314) 991-5666. www.drdianesanford.com.
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